i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
