So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
