today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
