I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
