i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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