I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
