Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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