When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
