he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
