I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
