I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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