I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
