I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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