At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I take back everything I said about communal showers
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
