No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
