I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
