A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
