She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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