If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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