My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
