Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
