and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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