To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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