See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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