And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
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I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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