i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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