her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
