I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
