Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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