I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
