I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
