Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I am midnight drunk by noon
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
