you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
