dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
