You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
