I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
