come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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