I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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