With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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