The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
