You just made me feel so damn special
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
