She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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