Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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