My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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