its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
