i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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