I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
