What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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