apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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