I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
