nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
