Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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