I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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