he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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