Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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